Friday, June 15, 2018
Paternal provocation
Colossians 3:20,21
Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
My soon to be a 16-year-old son and I are having more and more disagreements over what he should and should not do. He argues that he is a junior adult (a new concept I must say) and therefore he should be allowed to do this or that particular thing and I, without argument, say no. He then challenges for a reason and sometimes my response is simply – “because I said so.” That answer doesn’t go down well.
My son also thinks that Mr Ross (his high school principal) and I have the same view and approach to many things and he sees things differently. In response to that, I indicate that Mr Ross and I have to think through the consequences of any decision or action.
My friend, the late Bertril Baird, used to say that the difference between a child and an adult is that the adult thinks through the consequences while children most often just act.
As I have reflected on the increasing number of these incidents with my son I have come to realise that most relationships between children and their parents are conducted in the context of a tension. That tension is caused primarily by the way the goals of children differ from those of parents.
The Bible gives us a way to look at this tension. From very early children were told to “Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:12. And then, on the other hand, fathers were told, “do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4
In most of the scripture, when God speaks of provocation He speaks of what His disobedient people do to Him,” Beware of Him and obey His voice; do not provoke Him, for He will not pardon your transgressions; for My name is in Him.” Exodus 23:21. However, in the case of fathers and children, the scripture indicates that fathers can provoke children. I have never seen my son as excited about the scriptures as he was when we looked at this verse last night.
In both of his letters, to the Ephesians and the Colossians, Paul brings up this matter of paternal provocation, at the end of a discourse about proper conduct in the family. Paul seems to be addressing the things that are hardest to do in the family – that wives should submit to their own husbands, that husbands should love their wives and have no bitterness, that children should obey their parents and that fathers should not provoke them. Colossians 3:18-21. His treatment of these family issues is a bit more extensive in Ephesians 5:22 – 6:4.
Good fathers want to provide, protect and prepare. They want to ensure that their children have all that they need to be able to live and grow strong and develop into persons that are useful to the family and society. They also strive to protect them from a range of dangers and also have to protect them from themselves sometimes. Good fathers also want to prepare their children for adult life, for work and for their own families. Effective preparation for adult life is often the ultimate test of how well we were fathered and how well we are fathering.
Good children, on the other hand, want to explore, experiment, and exit. Good children want to understand the environment in which they have found themselves. From the baby stage, they want to touch and feel everything (and put it in their mouths) so that they understand the things they see. Good children want to try things to see how they work (that is why we keep them away from matches and medicines). Good children also want to exit. Their goal is to grow up and get out on their own and sometimes wonder why it’s not happening faster.
Somewhere between the father’s provision and the child’s exploration; somewhere between the father’s protection and the child’s experimentation; and somewhere between the father’s efforts at preparation and the child’s desire to exit the good father must strike a balance.
When there is no balance, fathers tend to be heavy handed and children become discouraged. Discouraged children hardly reach their full potential. Therefore, all of these things must take place in an enabling family environment where everyone is respected.
Provision is relatively easy once you have work. But to effectively protect and prepare a child who is exploring, experimenting and hurtling towards the exit at growing-up speed requires a special grace.
The oft referred to generation gap, fuelled today by technology, tends to make the task harder and many fathers are pushed to actions that are a provocation to their children. As times change, we fathers have to change too. We have to change in order to hold fast to our unchanging God-given responsibility for our children.
Think on these things:
- How did your relationship with your father prepare you for your adult life, and what would you do differently as a parent?
- Was your father able to strike a balance that gave you boundaries that were wide enough for you to explore and experiment but narrow enough to keep you safe?
- How is your church helping young families, and especially young fathers, to strike the appropriate balance for the best outcomes for their family as a whole and their children in particular?
Prayer focus:
Let us pray today for the fathers in our family and our church to have the grace to hold faithfully to the responsibility that God has given them for their children, and to do so in ways that allow children to reach their full potential without being discouraged.
In His Grace
Pastor Alex